DeanCastiel: Autumn Leaves
by Sioph
Summary: **S7 Spoiler** About Dean and Castiel's struggle in Purgatory in a non-linear style. This is my first Destiel fanfiction so please review : Not sure about rating so let me know if I should change it :


_**Dean/Castiel: Autumn Leaves**_

**When reading listen to 'Autumn Leaves' or 'Give Me Love' by Ed Sheeran.  
Contains spoilers from Season Seven.**

_**Now**_

I do nothing but stare into the empty space in the bar.  
I am always in the bar.  
After swallowing drink after drink after drink and the sky outside turned from dark to the soft early light that is not yet day but still clinging onto the last few moment of night. That's the time I return to one of the many homes. It was winter. Everything was cold. Everything white. Everything looking a picture what you see on one of those Christmas cards with the pretty scenery that looks edited.

Returning to my current home I'm greeted by the tired but poignant and prying face as I do every damn morning. All he can see on my face is guilt. Guilt and loss. It's all I feel now.

"How are you holding up?" Sam asks cautiously. He asks the same question everyday and every night. I shake my head and go to sit at his laptop to look and see if there is an undiscovered answer yet but as always, there isn't. My hand slams the lid down with so much force that the lid nearly splits. "Take it easy. We'll find a way." His hand pats my shoulder as a sign of comfort or help but I just cover my face with a hand while the other is still rested on the laptop. Minutes pass and I can feel Sam's gaze on the back of my neck. My eyes open and I keep my focus on the hand covering the laptop. The jagged circular scar is still red, a sign that it is fresh, and before I can think a small drop of water splashes against the cheap wooden surface of the table.

_**Then**_

The sky is always dark. It never changes. It is the same as it was when we first arrived. That was a long a time ago. Back when we were weak. Not much has changed but we have adapted enough to survive. Then again, we are a good team. A hunter and an angel. We couldn't tell the difference between night and day because there was no change in this place to indicate it but when one of us got tired we would rest high in what we classed as a tree, with one of us on lookout while the other rested. Cas got tired after we walked a few miles at first. The first time I saw Cas sleep was the best thing about this place. We where resting up and he lay into the slight hallow. His eyes kept jolting open as soon as they closed. It took me a while to realize he was scared to sleep. "What's wrong?" I whispered from across the resting spot. We where sat close to each other, face to face but cramped together so that our feet touched. Whispering or talking in hushed voices where compulsory in this place. Otherwise the creatures would find swarm around us.

He looked to the side of his 'bed' to see if there were any of the creatures around. "I am tired Dean. I think I may need to sleep."

"Then sleep, you're half way there already."

"I'm an angel. I shouldn't _need _to sleep." He turned to face me, the blue in his eyes acted as the only colour in this world which made them a comfort during the dark. "How can I protect you when I need to sleep?"

"It's just sleep, Cas."

He shook his head. "It's more than that. I am losing my grace. I can't help either of us without it."

I moved closer to him and placed my hand on his shoulder. "We are helping each other." He drifted off to sleep soon after. He looked more peaceful when he slept. At ease. As if his constant need to make up for his past had melted now. He was miles away now. Not quite snoring but making soft noises. Dean smiled to himself. It was the first time in a long time that he had and it didn't feel right.

A half hour later Cas started to wake up. He was still half asleep. I moved closer to him and placed my red jacket over his chest and closed his eyelids while hushing him asleep. He drifted back off to sleep while I looked around, clutching the bone we used to kill Dick by my side, for any of the creatures when I felt something gently wrap around my hand. My reflexes snapped into action. The bone was almost about to pierce whatever it was when my eyes drifted down to Castiel's hand holding lightly to my own hand.

_**Now**_

The hardest thing was sleeping.  
Some memory or nightmare would be waiting for me to close my eyes so that it could shake me awake the moment my eyelids closed over.  
My hand stung when the small drops of water hit it and stung if it came into contact with anything. The moment it starts to sting I push the idea of the pain out of my head. Who the fuck am I to complain about a small wound after everything that happened? It hurt to look at it but at the same time I was grateful. Grateful for the pain. I needed to suffer just as much as he had but no amount of pain, even the pain of missing him, will suffice to his. Not even close to it.

We were on a heading out on a hunt. Sam was driving. It wasn't the impala, too many memories, but another car. The white winter road didn't seem to recede but stalked us to our destination, a small town in Pennsylvania, where people where happily playing in the snow with no care in the world but their meaningless activities. I hated each of them. Sam saw my resentful face but did not say anything. There was nothing he could say. Nothing at all. The hunt was a simple haunting, nothing too bad. Sam must be picking the easy hunts in case I lose it.

We sat in a small town diner at a private booth. I had a coffee. I wasn't hungry, not even thirsty but the way Sam looked at me when I said no to pie made me want to order something for his peace of mind. Everything hurt. My eyes from lack of sleep. My scar. My head. My legs. Everything but I tried not to bother Sam about it. He has had enough to deal with. I was staring at the snowflakes falling outside, clutching my warm coffee cup, when Sam finally spoke to me. "Dean, what happened there? It's clearly bothering you and I'm worried. You're not yourself." I just shook my head. He's right, I'm not. "You need to talk about it Dean. If not to me then to Cas. Where is he?"

A waitress comes over and asks if we want more coffee. She is in her twenties with chestnut brown hair that fell to her hips. She smiled at me with her deep brown eyes. Hatred flared up inside me. She was staring at me with helpful eyes while I poured all my hatred and resent into my gaze. She looked away from me, to Sam who said he was fine. She wasn't the same woman. She just looked like her. "Not here Sam. Cas isn't here. He wasn't there when I came back so what does that tell you?"

"It tells me nothing because I know nothing. I just want to help."

"You can't."

_**Then**_

What felt like months had passed since Cas's first sleep. We had adapted well but where in constant search for anyone or anything that could help us get back home. We had walked for hours in frustrated silence at the never ending landscape where everything was looked identical. I threw down the bone and sat on the cold grey floor. "We are never getting out of here." Cas just looked at me for a while before sitting next to me.

"There is always a way out of everything, Dean. We just have to find it."

"Your dad made this place to keep things locked in. So long as we are in here we can't get out."

"You have Sam. He will find a way for us to get out."

"But at what cost? Look at what happened to you when you opened this place. The first time you betrayed your friends and got taken over by the Leviathans. The second time you died. I can't have any of that happen to Sammy. It was bad enough watching you go through it." Cas just stared at me. Not in shock, he already knew how I felt about it all, which was when I realised that I had never told him that it was hard for me to watch him be infected by those sons of bitches but then watching him in the lake hurt like Hell. We walked more but in silence after that. I was looking around when I heard a faint movement from somewhere close by and in a place like Purgatory it could only mean bad news. I tapped Cas lightly on the back of his shoulder and signalled for him to listen. I had the bone while Cas had some thick branch that was sharpened to become a stake with the bone. A stupid weapon in a place like this but that is all we could make. Cas, obviously had better hearing than me, knew which direction the noise came from and stepped in front of me while looking intently slightly right of where we stood. I raised my own weapon and pressed my back against Cas, ready to attack anything that came near us. Nothing came from my end but as I was about to relax and lower my hand Cas lunged forward to something that I couldn't see. "What is it?" I shouted running to where he had ran. As I got closer my mouth slightly fell. He was kneeling over a woman. She was young and pretty with brown hair that ran down to her shoulder and dark brown eyes. "Cas is that-"

"Eve."

_**Now**_

"I want to try and help. You would do the same for me Dean. We are all we have and you need to talk about it. It might help you-"

"-like you spoke to me when you where fucking that demon whore? Or when you left me for _her_? Oh and I forgot about the demon blood. And then the whole n-soul thing and how could I forget you not telling me for years about your 'special abilities' Sam? We don't talk. We leave it until everything has reached boiling point or until the absolute last second to say something, so why change now?" I jump up from my seat and rush outside to the crappy car in the lot. Outside I hold onto the hood trying to think.

_**Then**_

"What the fuck is she doing here and like _that? _She still looks human."

Cas wouldn't move but I could see him struggling so I held the bone close to her neck. She stopped moving then. Just looked at me and Cas. "And what are you boys doing here? Did Daddy think you where becoming to rebellious Castiel?" She laughed. "When I heard you two where here I couldn't believe it! Especially after what you did Castiel."

I pushed the bone in deeper into her neck but not so much that it would kill her. "You shut the fuck up about him!"

"Oh I'm sorry" she said not holding back on the sarcasm and entertainment in her voice. "Did I offend your- what is it that you two are?" Cas put his weapon deeper in her chest, it didn't hurt her- she just laughed.

_**Now**_

Sam is standing a few feet away from me now. Only minutes passed since I left him in the diner. Slowly, he comes and puts his hand on my shoulder. I do not look at him, just lower my head. "Come on." He instructs while getting into the driver's seat.

My eyebrows come together in confusion making my whole face form the question _what?_

"We are going back to where I found you when you came back."

_**Then**_

"This is a world full of _my_ children ready to do what I order them to and you are trying to kill me? I had such high hopes."

I looked at Cas, who took a moment to realize I was looking at him, and he slowly looked up at me. The look on his face said it all. We had walked straight into whatever trap Eve had set for us and we were going to be ripped apart. I stood up and watched as, slowly, unknown creatures came out of the shadows and to face up. A hand came on my shoulder. I turned and saw it was Cas. "Dean.."

Then they attacked.  
Dozens of them all at once.  
I used every single moment of training from my dad and all my experience from hunting with Sam as I tried to fight off the creatures. It wasn't good enough. I never thought it would have been but better to die trying than curling up like a coward.  
I caught sight of Cas, he was doing pretty well, fighting off the creatures as if they where nothing. I looked for too long. I was kicked to the ground before I could even realize I should have kept an eye on the enemy. The bone had fallen out of my hand. I looked up at Cas. He was swamped by the creatures but caught sight of me on the floor. His face broke when he saw me. "Dean!" He seemed to shout. I didn't hear him but I saw his mouth form the shape of my name. I opened my mouth to call back but all that came was a scream as one of them bit into my leg. My whole body lunged forward but I was hit back down with the side of the bone. They clawed at my skin, trying to rip it off, while others beat me. I couldn't move my head or any other part of my body. Blood bounced out of my mouth when I coughed or even tried to speak. There was a muffled sound and they all sunk away back into the shadows. I opened my eyes and saw Eve standing over me with a flat expression. "This is for my children." She raised her hand, holding the bone, and then plunged into my hand and then my abdomen. "You are lucky I let you live." She said before sulking off to the shadows. I mumbled Cas's name but I had no reply. Slowly, and painfully, I stood up and moved around a little a time looking for him.

"Cas!" I called out as best I could. "Cas!"

A groan came from a few feet away. I turned fearing the worst.  
He was on the floor looking worse than I felt. His face was crushed and painted in his red blood and deep lacerations all over his body. "Cas..." I fell to my knees next to him examining his body. The more I looked, the worse it got. By the time my eyes reached his chest I turned around and threw up. "No. No." I repeated under my breath. "Fuck!" I collapsed to the floor and stared in his eyes. They moved ever so slightly. I grabbed his hand with one of my own while the other moved his face to look at mine. The corners of my mouth rose slightly as his mouth started to part and he tried to speak. "Save your breath buddy." I whispered not taking my eyes off his. They were going darker. He shook his head and tried to speak again but it was a struggle so I moved my face closer to his expecting for him to speak but instead his lips gently brushed my own. I moved only two centimetres away and saw him stare at me. Saying everything he felt and that he knew I did too just by the faint light of his eyes. "Don't you dare leave me here." I whispered into his hands as small drops of water started to form in the back of my eyes. "Don't..." He tried to move his head up but I gently placed it back down and pressed my ear to his lips to heat him whisper his last ever words before he slept for the final time.

"I am...s-so...I'm so sorry Dean..."

We were in Pontiac, Illinois.  
Sam had found me here.  
I had arrived back a day or two before he found me.  
It was autumn.  
Me and Cas had both arrived just after the apology. I don't know how or why. We were just back. My hand was still holding his. The light burned my eyes which were so used to the dark that it took me a while to see the ground. It was covered in autumn leaves and full of bees dancing around the flowers but the burned black outline of wings scorched on the floor hurt more than any Hellhound, demon or creature. I looked down at Cas. He was cold. His eyes wide but unresponsive. The blood was still fresh and covered my hands. It was early morning and no one was out so I set to work immediately.  
The fire from his funeral looked like normal fire with the addition of small silver flexes in the flame. I stayed with it until he had burned away and even until the pyre had faded in the flames.

_**Now**_

"What happened Dean?"

Swallowing the lump in my throat I walked to where I burned Castile's bones.  
It was now winter.  
The snow had covered the ground.  
Nothing of his existence was here.

"Castiel slept."

**Let me know what you think this is my first Destiel fanficiton so reviews would be great!**


End file.
